Loving Someone You Can’t Have: How To Let Go

By Sandra Aninwaeze Updated on: September 5, 2025 Fact Checked by Rachel Martinez

Letting go of someone you love but can’t have is painful. We’ll reveal practical ways on how to let someone go, detach emotionally, reclaim your energy, and get back into your element!

Why Do We Hold on to Someone We Can’t Have?

People hold on to a love they know they can’t have for so many reasons. We’ll discuss some of them in this section.

You’re in Love With the Idea of Them

Most of the time, people fall more in love with the idea of a person rather than who they actually are. You’re holding on to the imagined version of how life could have been with them. The truth is, your imagination may never come to reality. So, instead of looking for the good in them, walk away.

I used to be in love with a guy I knew had great potential if he decided to work on his trauma and behaviors. I held on to that potential for a long time until I realized the idea of him and who he really was were not the same. It wasn’t my job to fix him or convince him to work on himself.

You’re Afraid of Starting Over

You’re holding on to someone you can’t have because you don’t want to be alone or start over with someone else. You’ve already invested your time and effort into this person so the thought of starting over with someone else feels exhausting.

You think that “something is better than nothing,” so you try to love them harder, hoping they can eventually see your worth. Holding on to a one-sided connection can delay the love and connection you deserve. 

You Attach Your Worth to Their Choice

For so many people, rejection can trigger insecurities. You believe that if they choose you, you’ll feel enough or worthy of love. Remember that someone’s choice doesn’t and shouldn’t reflect your worth. Your value comes from within.

You’re Seeking Closure or Validation

When things end abruptly and without clarity, your mind starts searching for answers. Was I not enough? Why did he/she leave me? Was there someone else? Was I doing too much? You wait for them to explain so you can make sense of what went wrong. You’re also waiting for them to tell you that you’re enough and nothing is wrong with you, even if they didn’t choose you.

Not everyone will be kind enough to give you closure. Even if they do, it doesn’t change the fact that they don’t want you. So stop chasing closure. Find it within yourself and move on.

You Have Attachment Issues

If you have unhealed attachment issues, especially anxious attachment style, you’re more likely to hold on to emotionally unavailable people. You would rather hold on to them because you’re afraid of losing them. 

Instead of walking away, you obsess over validation from them, hoping they finally choose you. Avoidants may not cling openly, but they may still emotionally fixate on them even from a distance.

These attachment issues often stem from childhood experiences. We recommend speaking to a therapist to help you break the cycle. 

Mental Health Issues 

Struggling with depression, anxiety, or low self-esteem can make it harder for you to detach from someone you love but can’t have. If you have low self-esteem, you feel you’re not worthy of love, so you settle for breadcrumbs. People with depression or anxiety may hold on to someone who gave them brief relief or distracted them from their emotions.  

Types of People We Love But Can’t Have

Here are some common types of people we love but can’t have in the end: 

• The Emotionally Unavailable: They lovebomb you at first and can be charming sometimes. They never offer commitment but give you just enough to stop you from leaving. You may find yourself chasing them or trying to convince them to love you.

• The Avoidant: They seem interested but pull away when things get too serious. Their inconsistency leaves you second-guessing and waiting for moments when they’ll stay.

• The Ex: You constantly romanticize the good moments with them, and this can keep you in limbo. You know they weren’t right for you, but you keep wondering “what if.”

• The Situationship: The connection is so intense, and you sometimes act like a couple, but there was never clarity. They may seem so in love with you, but avoid defining the relationship.

• The Taken: You love them but can’t have them because they’re married or in a relationship. Even if they feel the same way, they can’t fully choose you.

• The Friend: You fell for a friend, but they don’t feel the same way. Telling them how you feel may ruin the friendship 

• The Almost: You almost dated but couldn’t due to several reasons, such as bad timing, a change in location, different stages in life, etc. 

Signs You Need to Let Go

Some relationships are worth fighting for, only when the green flags outweigh the red ones. If the reverse is the case, you might want to reevaluate that relationship.

Here are clear signs you need to let go of an unrequited love, situationship, or relationship: 

• You’re Always Waiting: If you keep checking your phone, hoping they will call, text first, or at least reply to your last text, then it’s time to close the chapter. If they’re not putting effort into communicating with you, the relationship is not worth holding on to.

• You Clash on Important Things: If you constantly argue over the same issues and can’t seem to resolve conflicts amicably, consider ending the relationship. Clashing over values, life goals, beliefs, or communication style it’s a sign to reevaluate the relationship.

• Emotional or Physical Abuse: You should never tolerate any form of verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, no matter how much you love the person. Emotional abuse includes gaslighting, manipulating, controlling behavior, or constant criticism. If they’re belittling you or your achievements, that’s a huge red flag. Save yourself the trouble by walking away.

• You’re Losing Yourself: If you have compromised your standards of values and abandoned your needs just to keep them, then the relationship isn’t worth fighting for. Also, if you’re mentally and emotionally drained, prioritize your peace of mind by leaving the relationship. Love shouldn’t feel like warfare. 

• You Can’t Trust Them: Trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. If you persistently doubt their words or actions, it’s a strong sign that the relationship is toxic. 

• You’re Acting Out of Character: The relationship brings out the worst in you or sides that you don’t recognize. For example, you’ve become jealous, obsessive, anxious, insecure, and reactive. A healthy relationship should make you want to be better, not trigger you.

• You’re Making Excuses for Them: You find yourself constantly justifying their behaviors. “He’s going through a lot.” “She didn’t mean to say that.” “He’s probably not in a good mood.” “Maybe she’s stressed out from work.” Face the truth,  it’s time to let go, no matter how much you love them.

• They Never Apologize: When they hurt you, they never take accountability. They deflect, gaslight, make excuses, or minimize the situation to make it seem like you’re overreacting. If you’re doing all the apology and accountability, the relationship has become toxic, and you need to leave.

• They Want to Commit: If you’re not doing enough to keep you, make it official, or build a future with you, that’s a clear sign that you’re only a convenience and not a choice. Someone who truly wants you will be consistent in their words and actions. 

How to Let Go of Someone You Can’t Have

1. Accept the Reality

The truth is harsh, but it is what it is — they didn’t choose you. That’s okay, don’t beat yourself up about it. You can’t force them to love you back, whether they are aware of your feelings or not. There’s no shame in loving someone even if they didn’t feel the same way.

I was once in a situationship with an avoidant for a few months. Although he approached me first, showed interest, and then slowly pulled away when emotions got deeper. I tried to convince him and myself that we were doing great. I wanted to fight for love, but he wasn’t willing to do the same. 

The reality soon hit me — no matter what I did, he wouldn’t choose me. Eventually, I accepted the harsh truth and moved on. I walked away knowing I gave my best. 

2. Let Yourself Grieve

Suppressing the pain won’t make it go away; you’re only delaying your healing process. Allow yourself to feel it all —the anger, pain, sadness, guilt, shame, and emptiness. Cry if you need to; it’s not a sign of weakness. 

Acknowledge the hurt, but don’t dwell on it. Remember, you won’t always feel the way. As long as you’re intentional about letting go, you’ll feel better with time.

3. Write About Your Feelings

Journaling is one of the healthiest ways to navigate a breakup. It will help you identify emotional triggers and release emotional stress. Turning your thoughts to words can help you better understand what you’re feeling. As time goes on, when you eventually feel better, you’ll be reminded of your strength and how well you handled negative emotions. 

4. Don’t Seek Closure

Chasing closure from someone who couldn’t give you what you wanted is a waste of time and energy. You don’t have to explain your part or make them see your hurt. Don’t wait for them to explain or apologize either. 

Some people will never take accountability for the role they played,  and that’s okay. Give yourself closure and close the chapter. 

5. Seek Support 

Heartbreak is emotionally challenging, and you don’t have to go through it alone. The burden is lighter when you’re surrounded by the right people. Reach out to trusted friends and family who will remind you of your worth.

We also recommend talking to a therapist. Professional guidance can help you navigate these feelings gently. Remember, you’re not hard to love — you loved the wrong person.

6. Limit Contact With Them

You may find it difficult to completely cut them off but limiting your contact with them can be very helpful. Reduce communication and avoid situations that could lead to a re-encounter. Space brings clarity; you’ll be able to see how much you condoned because you were scared of losing them.

Don’t check their social media pages or monitor accounts they recently followed. You’re only delaying your healing process by doing this. Instead, adopt a new hobby, shift your focus to your well-being, needs, and goals. When you feel the urge to reconnect, remind yourself why it ended.

7. Discard Everything That Reminds You of Them

Delete photos, messages, or shared playlists. Donate or throw away gifts or objects that hold sentimental weight. You should also avoid places that remind you of them. 

Doing these can reduce triggers, constant reminders, and cut emotional ties. It may feel like emotional torture, but trust us, it’s necessary. Releasing these items helps you emotionally detach and create room for new experiences.

8. Learn from Your Mistake

Instead of beating yourself up for loving the wrong person, take lessons from it. Every experience — including heartbreak— has something to teach us. Here are some aspects to reflect on:

• Did I accept breadcrumbs?
• Did I treat them unfairly? 
• Did I ignore my gut feelings?
• How did I communicate during conflicts?
• Did I romanticize inconsistency?
• Did I ignore the red flags because you didn’t want to lose them?
• What will I accept/not accept going forward?

Reflect on your role in the breakup to ensure that you don’t repeat it in your next relationship.

9. Prioritize Yourself

After giving so much time, effort, and energy to the wrong person, it’s only right to choose yourself. Prioritize your mental and emotional health. Take care of your mind, body, and soul.

Become a better version of who you were before you met them. Chase your goals, not to prove anything to them, but to remind yourself of your strength and resilience. 

10. Divert Your Attention

Redirect your focus to your life and growth. There’s a whole life ahead of you, so don’t stay back sulking about why they didn’t choose and love you. The truth is, your mind will drift to them once in a while, but you shouldn’t dwell on it. 

When you catch yourself thinking about them, try doing something productive. Pick up a book — you can even write your own. Learn a new recipe or language, hang out with friends, complete an abandoned project, or travel to a nearby city. Put your attention back on your life!

11. Don’t Go Back 

You’re allowed to miss them, but don’t go back. Truth is, you can’t get over them in the blink of an eye. Healing takes time; it’s a gradual process that requires time and intentional effort.

Missing someone doesn’t mean they’re good for you. It simply means you’re trying to adjust to life without them, especially if they were part of your daily routine. Going back will only reopen wounds you fought so hard to heal. You deserve a love that’s sure, mutual, and consistent.

12. Avoid Rebounds 

It’s tempting to distract your mind by being with someone. Trust us, you’re doing damage to both you and your rebound. 

Don’t rush into the next relationship just so you can numb the pain. Instead, stay single for a while. Sit in silence and reflect on your choices and mistakes. Your next partner deserves a healed and emotionally secure version of you.

What to Do After You’ve Fully Moved On

Moving on from someone you love is a big milestone and the beginning of a new chapter. Here’s how to make the most out of it:

1. Reclaim Your Energy

You probably poured a lot of your energy, time, and effort into that person who didn’t love you back. Now that you’ve moved on from them, reclaim that energy and invest it into yourself. The return on investment is far better anyway. 

Invest your energy in your goals, friendship, and body. Hit the gym, eat healthy, spend more time with your friends and family, learn a high-paying skill, or improve on a skill or knowledge you already know. 

2. Redefine What You Want in Love

Take the time to truly reflect on your non-negotiables in a relationship. Now that emotions or attachment style no longer cloud your judgement, redefine what you would consider a red flag.

Don’t just focus on surface-level attraction. Protect yourself by prioritizing emotional safety, shared values, and consistency.

3. Start Dating Again 

When your heart feels ready and steady, allow yourself to love again without fear. Just because it didn’t work out with one person doesn’t mean it won’t work out with another. 

This time, date with intention, not out of desperation. Here’s what you should keep in mind: 

• Don’t confuse attention with attraction or connection.
• Walk away once you notice the red flags.
• Trust your gut feelings. If it doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. 
• Be assertive. Don’t lower your standards or shrink yourself to please anyone.

4. Focus on Becoming “The One”

Instead of obsessing over or chasing “the one,” be the one. Become the best version of yourself. Build a life you’d be proud of. Heal your past relationship and childhood traumas. Don’t dump them on the next person. 

Be emotionally secure. Become the kind of person you would want to date. The one who’s meant to love you deserves the best version of you. 

5. Make Peace With the Past

Forgive the other person for hurting you, whether they did it intentionally or unintentionally. You don’t necessarily have to forget, but release the anger. Don’t let the past haunt you. 

You can’t change what happened, but you can choose not to let it define your worth. Don’t wait for an apology or closure; find peace within yourself. Move on and leave them in the past. 

Conclusion 

Whether it’s an unrequited love, a situationship, a stranger, or even a friend, loving someone you can’t have is draining. Real love shouldn’t come at the cost of your emotional or mental well-being. You deserve a love that doesn’t leave you questioning your worth or chasing clarity. 

Remember, healing isn’t linear. Someday you’ll feel okay, and other days feel like you’re back at square one. With time and intentional steps, you will get over it. Follow our guide to begin your healing journey today!